Good day readers! Well it's been a few weeks since I've written and for good reasons I might add. As some of you might have heard by now, I found myself in a bit of a jam last Memorial Day weekend out in the woods. Fortunately, I was extricated from that situation in one piece and perhaps a bit wiser.
During those hours up on that desolate rock strewn place, myriad thoughts raced through me including ones involving my demise. Surely, anyone caught up in that situation would have eventually found himself thinking about past events and missed opportunities. I dare say that just before this incident, things appear to be brightening somewhat on my personal horizon. If I sound a bit evasive, it's because the eventual outcome of this made it so.
As I sat forlorn high on that rock, I found plenty of time for introspection, to ponder about actions and decisions made and ruminate on how things have come to passed since. Thoughts on the inequities in life inundated me not the least of which was my hopes for this prospective affair to make it past the quagmire I found myself in. Like I said, things had seem to be looking up. We were constantly in touch, but I had this nagging feeling borne out of experience that what was apparent may not truly be what is. A mirage is what someone lost in the desert or up there in the mountain would tell you. The irony of it was that it was that experience which brought me to conclude that I must grab on to life with more vigor and enthusiasm, to not loosen my grip and to pull myself up those rocks once I get the chance. Carpe Diem.
But fate has some thing else in stored. I wanted to believe, I wanted to grab on to life as if the end is near, so I tempted fate and threw cautions to the wind. The signals were murky at best and downright oppressive at worse. Promises made, however insignificant, were never followed through. But I was caught up in the moment, unable to make logic work in my favor. I wanted to grab on to life with fervor like flames to dry brush. I felt happy for a time, but was never really content. Those errant signals had been filtered through my feverish mind and dismissed as mere trivialities - after all, what's a few missed appointments and false promises in light of the greater prospect for happiness?
But alas, as minor hurdle turned insurmountable, a once redoubtable faith in the inevitable blissful end fell into a deep chasm. It wasn't new, it wasn't completely unexpected, it did not come at me from a blind side, but I didn't to accept it. I was tired of these rituals, social constructs set up ages ago but continue to oppress hearts and minds. Mind games are what they are, silly things meant to test one's mettle in these sordid affairs and should one emerge from it unscathed, then victory can be claimed. Were these designed with clear intention to test one's full measure of devotion to the task?
Are we meant to find a 'soul mate'? I'm beginning to believe that life lived out to its fullest may not necessarily have to be shared with one.
Thanks for putting up with this.
